California, 2007

Soon after I posted the last entry, a couple of my friends buzzed me on YM, asking if I was all right, that I sounded depressed, etc. I’m touched, you guys, but honestly, I’m fine. A little homesick, but fine.

This coming Thanksgiving weekend, I will have been on American soil for exactly six months. It’s a turning point of sorts… by this time I should have settled in to my new life.

I should have enough information in the credit reporting system to actually have a credit rating. If the incoming stream of credit card offers (19% APR? like I’m gonna fall for that) in the mail is any indication.

So around this time I should be sitting down and deciding what that new life should be.

I’m still half in this frame of mind that my little jaunt here in the US is temporary. That I’ll just stay long enough to make a little money, then go back to the Philippines. Doing the OCW lifestyle - contract work, save as much as you can, then pop back home to spend the money in a place with a vastly lower cost of living. When the money runs out, go off and do it over again.

Comfortable. I guess the only way to get out of that state of mind is to make my life here more comfortable than going back.

I guess to have a new life, you have to give up the old. You have to give up all attempts to go back. I guess I didn’t burn enough bridges behind me.

Part of me still wants to be back in the university. Enough free time for my little programming projects, for all-night LAN gaming sessions, out for a couple of beers or coffee every other night.

Maybe it’s time I told myself I should grow up, that that grad-student lifestyle is behind me, and I’ll never get it back. Ever. On the surface, it looks like that my old life wasn’t much to be proud of…

But despite all the goofing around, I got things done. Division head by the time I was 23. Finished my Masters at 25. Assistant professor at 28. Designed and built a large campus network,  kept it running.

I think I just got sidetracked. Without a PhD, you’re never going to go far in the academic world, as my father kept telling me, and he was right. I think on some level he still wants me to get back to that, go get my PhD somewhere, and go back to teaching. Every father wants a son to follow in his footsteps.

And if I wanted to, I could go get a PhD. I’ve never had much trouble getting scholarships in the past.

Its a matter of motivation. Sure, getting tenure and having a secure job for the rest of your life is nice. I could see myself doing that. And for a long time, eight or so years, that was the future I was moving towards. Until things started getting uncomfortable at work… new policies, an administration that had no respect for its faculty… and I started realizing that an academic career, as with any other career, is still subject to politics. That the safe, comfortable future I was planning for wasn’t really safe or comfortable.

And before I could fully make the decision one way or the other, the decision was made for me. I failed to get tenure.

Got another job, of course, a staff job at another university in another town, and this one paid three times as much, without the headaches of teaching. But this wasn’t as comfortable as my old job.

And I decided that if I was going to give up my safe and comfortable life in Los Banos, I’d better go whole hog and go blow my entire life savings to move somewhere where I’d be neither safe or comfortable, but at least have a change from twelve years of living in the same town and working at the same job.

Which brings me here. Six months in this country, starting from scratch. Borrowed a little money from the parents to survive three months of unemployment in LA and SF. Starting to pay them back a little bit, but that won’t be fully paid for a couple of months yet.

I’ve been pretty lucky, all told. They say God looks after fools and small children, and if that’s true then I should be doubly blessed.

Despite being a total idiot, I’ve managed to find a job that pays well enough to maintain an apartment in the city, a job that allows me to work from home four days a week. And it’s a job that actually fits my skills, that still makes me feel good about myself after I troubleshoot, debug and fix a particularly convoluted Active Directory-DNS-LDAP problem. I am realizing, now that I’m away from the university, that I am actually pretty good at what I do, and there far less competent people out there who are getting paid far more than me. ($2000 a day for a Red Hat GFS consultant? Seriously?)

Not that money has ever been a major concern for me… as long as I can pay the bills and I have an Internet connection, I don’t really need much. I don’t spend that much, even for my computer - I’ve never been a fan of high-priced toys, and I always buy stuff slightly behind the bleeding edge, the stuff that goes on clearance whenever the latest model comes out and the shops need to clear inventory.

Oh, of course my social life is suffering, but I guess I still have friends. Friends who are still concerned enough about me to chat immediately after I post a depressed blog entry. Even if they’re not here physically, they still touch base every day, and for that I am grateful.

So. I’m alone, but I’m not lonely. I’m underpaid, but I’m not falling behind on my bills.

I’m only concerned for my brother, but I guess once his wife and daughter’s petition comes in and they can be together again, it’ll be all right. Or maybe he decides to go back home in December, which means I can be alone but not lonely on my own next year.

God looks after fools and small children. And I hope he keeps looking out for me a little bit longer.

And yes, a month ago I finally got a little extra money, and plunked down the fifteen bucks to reactivate my World of Warcraft account.

And as expected, I’m back to spending a lot of my free time online, whacking away at computer-generated creatures in a virtual fantasy world.

Of course it’s escapism. Due to my job, I’m required to spend eight to twelve hours a day at the computer, required to be reacheable by my boss, my co-workers, or clients. Every time I pop out to get the mail or take out the trash, my cell phone rings. By the time I’m done with work, it’s too dark to go out (and it’s too cold to do anything good anyway).

And yeah, some people have asked me, if I spend all that work time on the computer, why would I choose to spend my leisure time back on the machine?

Some people spend the same amount of time in front of the TV. The average Japanese household watches 8 hours of TV a day.

It’s the lifestyle I’ve had for the past fifteen years now, since high
school and college. It’s worked for me in the past - after a marathon
session of Orion or Archmage after work, me and my friends would all go
out for a few beers or a couple of rounds of billiards. Or breakfast,
sometimes, after an all-night LAN party. Difference here, of course, is that my friends are across the Pacific, and it’s gonna take a little work before we can go out for beers again.

Thing is, it’s not escaping into a fantasy world of wizards and dragons like a lot of people think. Sure, I’m single, working from a tiny one-room apartment, overeducated and underpaid, living with a brother who hates my guts… anyone would want to escape from this.

It’s not that I’m escaping into a made-up virtual world. I’m escaping into a world where I can talk and do things with my buddies, chat about the latest news back in UP or stuff happening in my home town… raise a virtual mug of ale with in a virtual bar in a virtual city in a fantasy world.

I’m escaping into a world where I have good friends, escaping from my life in this cold, lonely city thousands of miles away from the people I love. And for a few hours each day, I can roam that world, with my friends by my side, and remember what my life was like a few years ago.

I’m escaping into my past, and that’s something I need in the face of my uncertain future. Because otherwise, I’ll end up bitter and depressed and lonely, if I force myself to live in the "real world".

Because a few years or decades from now, when I can finally retire, I’m going back to that life.

Someday, I’m going to be happy again. I just have to hold on to my sanity long enough to get there.